I think we can all agree that 2016 was a shady AF year, so we’re more than happy to throw it out like the trash it was. Obvs there’s much improvement all around for everyone to make and when we say “all around”, we’re talking about everyone but us. Gandhi said, “be the change you want to see in the world,” but really what he meant was that everyone should change to be more like us in the world. So because we’re in the holiday spirit, we’re generously giving out these New Year’s Resolutions for everyone to make. Here’s a list of shit that needs to change this year.
1. Your Facebook Feed
Stop arguing with each other in Facebook comments. Nobody has ever looked up from their phone and suddenly changed their mind about birth control because they saw a GIF of a lion dancing.
2. Your Casual Hookup
Stop being a fuckboy and be upfront about what you want. Trying to figure out what the situation with you is like a customer in a restaurant just says “guess” to the waiter instead of ordering off the menu. We don’t fucking read minds.
3. Your Longterm BF
Treat us like it’s the first day you met us and we’re still not that into you yet. Longterm relationships are comfortable, but you forget that we’re fielding texts from exes and shady friends trying to swoop in all the time. We’ll be loyal but remember that we have options and don’t stop appreciating that we chose you.
4. Your Boss
Give us a raise. Or at least stop setting meetings at 8am. Literally setting us up for failure there. Also, Summer Fridays are back this year, right? Trump can’t take that away from us.
5. Your Mailman
Stop leaving those “we missed you” slips when I’m literally at home. We know you didn’t even try. Also, stop losing our important packages. Santa would never do that.
6. Your Roommate
Set your alarm for a time you can actually wake up at. And maybe give us a warning next time you cook salmon in the house.
7. The MTA (or metro, muni, whatever)
Get your shit together. The L train is like the 30-year-old dude who won’t get off his mom’s couch. Like, it’s time you start working, and not just part-time. Full-time.
8. The News
Stop treating facts like clickbait articles and start reporting on actual news. Not everything has to be as viral as a dancing cat. Sometimes your role in life is to be boring, okay? Be boring, you’re the news. But get it right. We’re sick of reading two separate feeds on our timeline depending on what political side you fall on. News is supposed to be bipartisan.
Give us a better iPhone. We know you have the technology to make the iPhone 10 but you’re just hanging on to it and rationing it out to us. Give us better battery life and a screen that won’t crack. Also, there has got to be a way to look up old texts Timehop style. Get on it.
10. Your Best Friend
If you’re going to get married, at least make sure the groomsmen are hot and single. We’re ride or die, even when we both move into houses and have kids, we’re still going to have wine nights and talk shit about people. Oh also, it better be an open bar with top shelf liquor, none of that wine and beer shit.