He was tired of her excuses, so she just couldn’t hold it in any longer…
By Laura Birks
I am sorry.
Im sorry that youve been neglected for the last four-and-a-half years. Im sorry that your needs are secondary. I assure you, you are still one of my top prioritiesyou just arent on the top of the list anymore.
I know that you have needs, wants, dreams and desires. When I tell you that I want to be the one you lean on, I mean it. I know you are tired of my excuses of being tired, having a headache or am already snoring when you snuggle up next to me. Trust me, I wish I had the energy I had five years ago. Hell, I wish I had the energy I had two weeks ago when I washed, folded and actually put away all 10 loads of laundry. Of course, you didnt see that because I was letting you get some much needed sleep.
I know that some days it feels like we have a business partnership. And youre right. Some dayseven weeksfeel that way. Know that I want better for our marriage, for us. Because together, we are damn good.
The problem is, my life, my brain and my body are so wrapped up in being a mother to those little boys wholook exactly like you. Even after theyre sound asleep and were sitting on the couch watching a movie, my brain is still in mother mode.
Im thinking about tomorrow; Im thinking about 10 years from now. Im wondering if you have work clothes for tomorrow. Im worried about money, milestones and milk. Do we have enough milk? I cant turn off being a mom. It is who I am now. And it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I dont want you to think you arent as important as you once were. I couldnt live this life without you and I wouldnt want to, either. But the simple fact is, youre an adult and you can do things for yourself. You can vote, so you can make your own lunch. You are legally able to drive a car, so you can figure out how to make a doctors appointment.
When you come home from work, you, unfortunately, are getting the worst version of me. I gave our children the best. A little secret: Sometimes, some days, there just isnt a best version of me. There just isnt.
I cant worry about your health, the boys health, the pets health and my health. Who do you think gets ignored? Its not you. Its not our children or our pets. When I say I dont feel well, when I say I havent been sleeping, its because I havent been taking care of me.
Yes, you tell me to go to the doctor, to eat better, to drink more water, but I am my very last priority. I know I need to change that and Im not complaining. Im explaining that when something has to give, because no one person can do it all, I am the thing that gives.
Im worried about your sleep apnea, your allergies, your knee spasms. I am worried about the rash Alex has, and the snotty nose that Ben suddenly started with. I am concerned about our dogs ears and what its going to cost to take her to the vet.
While Im thinking about it, Im worried that the fish have too much algae in their tank and the water needs to be changed. Ill just add that to the never-ending list of things I will feel guilty about when I am trying to sleep tonight. None of this your fault. I am not blaming you, or wishing you were any different.
You do extraordinary things for our family. You work harder than any person I know. You care more about everyone, including me, than any other human I have ever met. I love you a little more each time I see you help someone knowing you will never get anything in return. You are the kindest, most loving father to our children. There is a reason they cry when you leave for work. Yes, it stings a little, but knowing that you are their role model in life fills me with love and pride.
I am not the person you married 11years ago. I have changed and evolved into a wife, mother, friend and keeper of all schedules. I am a party planner and a personal shopper. I am a chef specializing in chicken nuggets and pasta. I am a housekeeper that cant keep a house. I am the cheerleader and the librarian. I am the night and the day nurse.
I wouldnt change any of it. I dont want any other life. I love you and I love the life that we created. But I am not the spontaneous, beer drinking, sexy bad girl you met way back when. I am a mother. And it is all of me.
About the Author:Laura Birks is a freelance writer based in New Jersey. She spends her days writing and nights chasing 4-year-old twin boys. She currently is a regular contributor for Twiniversity.com and has been featured on Scarymommy, Role Reboot and SheKnows among others. You can find her on Twitter, @leroy6168.